Here yesterday and gone today

So much has happen since June, but I doubt anyone read that and I doubt this one will be read either. Everyone has their lives to live and must do so.

Since June I lost my home and my car and not because I was lax or anything like it. They were taken from me. The end of April we are moving to a tiny place that Scott loves and I don't. I don't want to be there and I will be more a prisioner than I am now. Definately not doing my life my way. Several people say leave, don't put up with it. Trust me that was my reaction for a long time, but HOW? It's not that easy, I don't have any savings cause each time I did something came up. I don't get enough money to live on unless I went to a nursing home. Did I mention that to do this"move" that I - ME has to give up 3/4 of my things including things that were my great grandmother's things in the 1800s. Seemed like every item I said I was keeping was a fight.

I thought I had made friends in the World of Rabbits, wrong thinking - turns out that at a show earlier this month I was a choice topic of evil doings and lack or quality in my herd. Bull, my rabbits did well and were great producers. And I gave over and over of myself to these people, I promise you that it will never happen again.

Another person has slammed my knowledge of horse things. Oh, that didn't travel well. I have 58 years of breeding, raising, showing, and WINNING on a National level.

During my life I have raised and raced shed teams, had a dairy farm, goat dairy too, raised most every animal I could, homesteaded and farmed from small to big and I learned alot. I made and canned my first jams at 6 years old, same year I did pickles and later I baked and sold that product in greade school. So stop treating me like an idiot because I am old.

Yes, onething good did happen, but not without a price - wasn't spoken to for days, constant put downs of myself. I got a puppy. God, I must be evil to be tired of spending 20 hours a day alone. I got a 8 week old Chihuahua, she is a real love and became devoted to me very fast. She is so much like her that I have call her Peacer several time which leads to some tears.

Then there is the on going heath issues. None seem to be getting better and pain levels have increased. I have been offered morphine for the pain, so far I have been able to say no. Don't want to go that way again, the old days weren't good in that department.

The last 4 days have been spent trying to sleep sitting up because I got a cold. Now there is rattles when I cough, which isn't that good a thing, but right now I can't even get to the doctors.

So where do I go from here? Wish I knew.

Things came to me today

It still hasn't sunk in that Peacer is not asleep behind a chair, but something did sink in and it wasn't pleasant either. Of all the "friends" I have on FB only 5 cared enough to say anything. That along with the couple that read the blog and said something nice came up to less than 10. These other people - some call me family, close friend but couldn't be bothered to even say Sorry. I guess I'm not family or friend enough for as much as I am sorry. I try to say something when people loose someone/thing so close to them that they are in real pain, but couldn't receive it returned to me. PEOPLE! This was my closest companion for a month less than 14 years. This pain is real. Thanks to the ones that understood and cared, rest of you - well I just hope this whole thing never happens to you. First the loss and then the rejection by the people that requested me as a friend.

Peacer K

We just buried Peacer Kitty, my companion of the past 13 years. She came to live with us when she was about 5 days old and her mother had been butchered by a dalmation.

Fastly she decided the only place to sleep was in the crook of my arm and her days were spent at my side. What do you say about a friend like this? Never have I felt so lost before.

I finished the canning for the day at 8:53 PM, yes I am tired. I decided to call my grandmother as she would get excited over all I got done - would be proud and would really let me know it. And after that I would call mom - she would fake being excited about it. I would wonder what she really thought. Then I realized they are both gone; Grand went in the early 80s and mom the late 1990s. What was I thinking? I hadn't ever thought about this, not once, since they died. And I know I haven't cried yet and doubt I ever will unless it's for the loss in general. Mom was the Prince song "When doves cry" beginning to end - maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied. I don't see me much like her. I praised my kids for everything they accomplished no matter how small it was, I tried to be supportive in all they wanted to do and the fantastic things they have done. Not that easy for a kid of 18 to do when he is handed his 2 kids and told to raise them and I did, alone and with no assistance, nothing. I worked 3 jobs and put myself thru college to make a better life for us and our lives were pretty _ _ _ _ nice. Maybe I was looking for that returned love from them and it was returned 3x's in fold. I miss those days, I miss being young and not knowing what was happening around me. Now, I am getting older daily and it is taking it's tole on me and ya know what? Except for the aches and pains, the inconveniences of health issues it's been a really good road and I am happy having white hair, using a cane a lot! and I love senior discounts. Do it over? This life? Sure, it's worked well for me and if it ends what I will be sorry about is missing so many people and how their lives travel the road.

Want to do something for an old fart? Once in a while tell me about your road and give me a hug or 2, there are never enough hugs.

A Tuesday

I am very grateful for all the garden is giving us, but it seems it's slowing down way too early and should have loads more to come. Today we put up 2 pints green beans, 4 pints of pole beans and not from the garden 29 pints of corn. Have the cobs boiling to have corn stock to can. Also, have enough yellow tomatoes for a batch of jam and a few cukes to make a couple pints of pickles and enough for 3 or 4 pints of water melon pickles later this evening. BUT! I should be getting buckets of beans along with buckets of cukes and tomatoes. Grateful, but I want it all.

Have noodles drying for supper, can't wait. Love those noodles.

June 2

Today was more of the same, canning and I am loving it. We needed to rebatch the zucchini jam and now it is setting up perfect. Got a few pints of green beans, cuke sweet chunks, and zucchini with tomatoes.

A friend came to pick up a bunny and brought us a case of dried (?) bananas and a big case of canned foods. It is a saver for us. Another friend sent some fertile eggs to hatch and NATURALLY the incubator wouldn't work! Well, they won't go to waste, we were out of eggs to eat.

Now to figure out 100 ways to use all those bananas!

Canning has begun

WELL! Canning season has begun. Yesterday we had a counter covered in mostly zucchini, yellow squash and cukes. We now have a counter with just picked spaghetti squash. We put up 16 pints of zucchini Bread & Butter pickles, grated and froze squash for 6 batches of zucchini bread (a favorite of ours) and got 19 1/2 pints of zucchini jam which will have to be re batched. Someone didn't listen to me as I was making the pickles and doubled the jam recipe which just doesn't set up. Ok, nothing major, but will have to be done. Also, got 5 pints of cuke Bread & Butters and a batch of cucumber salad too.

Scott has never liked pickles like Kosher dills which is why I always do so many B&Bs, but I like them and always out up a few jars just for me. Last night he served some of my Kosher Garlic Dills with supper and he LOVED them. Well, hog tie me and brand me with an W!

As you can tell, the garden is doing great and is starting to feed us which we need until the pay checks are coming in regularly again which will be in a couple weeks. Till then - good thing I stocked up.

His new job is going well and he is enjoying it so far. We are still hoping he will get the Palatka store instead of the St Augustine store because of the gas spent. We will see in a few weeks when training is done. Best part is that he has become the person he used to be and in very involved with the garden, rabbits and all things part of our small scale homesteading life.

Mean while, I have had to do with out meds, including insulin, then redoing the days on what I take on each day to make things last longer. My meds take 3/5s of my SSI check, so it has become difficult to handle. I am experiencing general weakness in arms and legs along with what comes with skipping meds. But that is how life has to be till Sept. when I get Medicare.

Peacer Kitty is somehow hanging on. I just can't handle the idea of letting her go when she isn't in pain, but the poor thing has wasted away to bones covered with skin. She still wants her loving and ice water and is as loving as ever and I fear the day she is gone. I don't know how I will get by sanely without her.